This afternoon, after brooding about having nothing to do, Rhiannon phoned, and asked about Anime North and hotel rooms. Apparently, we're getting a hotel room by ourselves, which will be interesting.
Then we started talking, and I ended up being driven to her house, and we walked to the mall. We started talking about relationships and the good and bad things, and what we wanted out of our future. I realized that I can really open up to Rhiannon, and just kind of tell her what I'm feeling. I know she won't judge me, and she always seems to have had some sort of similar experience to mine.

We finally reached the mall, and we went searching around for a black jacket for Rhiannon, and buying food and so forth. We happened upon Formal-esque dresses which I felt the need to try on, so I tried on a short black dress with polkadots, and Rhiannon's was long and green. I want to go prom dress shopping now.

When we were leaving the mall, we found Kellie working at A&W and we stopped and talked for a while about school and everything else, which was quite entertaining.
We then went back to Rhiannon's house and listened to various CDs, including Rhianna, Justin Timberlake and Timbaland. We danced around for a while, making idiots of ourselves, at which point I realized that it was 10:00 and if I stayed much later I wouldn't have a ride home. And here I am.

Today was the last day of classes for semester one. I did very little all day, aside from managing to raise my Sociology 4% because he let us drop a bad test mark.
Oh yes, and there was a semi-large Ryan confrontation, in which I told him everything I felt, and then folded completely. So, we are now friends again. Which he seems to think we have been so all along, but hey, I would like to have some sort of advantage over this kid.
And I've realized something about myself, about how I view relationships in general. I've realized that I don't want to be intimate with a person (which could simply be hugging and kissing) unless I actually love them. I don't know why, but it seems like a lie if you don't love them. I think I realized this after seeing a picture of Ryan's new girlfriend kissing him. It looked so forced, and unnatural. It looked fake. (I swear this has nothing to do with the fact that I want him back. There's a whole different set of emotions for that.)
I don't know quite what this will do when I'm actually ready to date someone else, but, come to think of it, I guess it's always been there.

I really do have the mind of a six-year-old, don't I? I have all of these magical notions for how my life is supposed to go, I hope for the impossible to happen, and there's a part of me that expects everyone to do as I want them to... despite all of the times that definately has not happened. (Take the events of the last three weeks.)
I need some sort of change. I need to be on my own, or have some sort of responsibility put on me, so that I can grow up and move on. I don't want to be in this environment anymore. I actually want to be some place where everything is different and I have to figure it all out for myself.
I cannot wait to leave for university.

PS. Yes, I know I said no more Ryan. D:

Soo apparently a girl in my Math class saw Ryan holding some girl's hand in the mall.
Wow, I actually do have good insight.

Yey for boredom, and watching TLC. :'D (I'm cool and this is what I do on a Friday night. xDD)

Blagh, I don't enjoy confusionn. I don't know what I want anymore. There's part of me that wants Ryan to come back (ie. be my boyfriend again), but there's another part of me that knows it probably wouldn't be the best thing considering everything that was happening just before we broke up. And I know I can be just as happy if we're friends.

I know that I need to leave the school and leave him and go to university and then I'll probably get over him.

But there's a bigger part of me that doesn't want to get over him. Like, ever. Even though I know that I might never see him again after I leave for university.
I have this cliche image in my mind of me just going through my university life and him showing up on my doorstep one evening and being completely transformed, and then we get married and everybody lives happily ever after. -__- No wonder I act like an eight-year-old all the time.

Hum, yes. So I'm going to stick with my original waiting plan. I'm not quite sure how this is going to work in the long run, but right now, I seem to be happy this way. I don't know why, considering I'm fully aware that I'm completely fooling myself. I just am.

P.S. I need a new mood theme. D:

Oh my goodness, I am so relieved.
So I asked Ryan for the book back, and he apoligized for the way he's been acting lately, annd I forgave him on the spot.
And now we're friends, again, I think. :3
To be perfectly honest, I don't even care about the Lauren girl, anymore. I'm pretty sure I was just paranoid and putting on an angry persona so I wouldn't start crying all the time.
Buut, things will slowly get better, I imagine. This makes me feel so much better. Oh my goodness. I think I can actually do homework, now.

So, we broke up.

He came to my house at 12:00 last night and explained that he's really emotionally unstable and that he wouldn't be able to support me next year and that he probably wouldn't stay in Guelph.

I feel sick, and alone, and like nothing's worth anything. I feel like the one person who could help me get through this is the person who left me.

He promised me so much, and now I feel like I'm never going to get any of it ever. I keep hoping he's going to show up at my doorstep, crying and wanting to come back.

I don't even know what to do with myself now. All the universities I chose were chosen based on the fact that I'd just go to Guelph and live with Ryan. Haha, guess not. I just want to be able to move on, or something. Now I understand the whole "rebound" thing. But it's not like anyone wants to date me, anyway.

God, I want him to come back. He's perfect. Completely perfect. How the hell am I supposed to move on from that? I can't.

I don't want to tell anybody, because I don't want it to be true. He was, to be perfectly honest, my entire life. Everything I see reminds me of him. Everything I do reminds me of him. I know when I go back to school the first thing I'll do --

God. I can't even do this right now.

So, today I went to a rehearsal for this singing recital thing I have on the weekend. It started off with me sitting like an idiot in the very back corner, watching in amazement as the people before me went. A lot of them were like, utterly perfect annd I was really freaking intimidated. D:

Then, we stopped for a bit, and proceeded to sing the group songs. (Joy to the World and The First Noel, I honestly don't understand why they choose such boring songs for the group to sing. >>) Annd they went fine, I think. I figured out all the parts I didn't know before, mostly due to the older woman beside me, who I think could sight read.

Annd, right after, I practised my solo. Which I thought went okay, until I looked over and noticed two random 15 year olds talking right in the front row the whole time. Well, yeah, so I continued annd sat down, with a random "That was fine" from my singing teacher.

Well, I guess I shouldn't be so upset that they didn't bother to pay attention to me (even though I paid attention to them D:), it's just that, performing is what I want to do for the rest of my life, and the fact that I couldn't get these random kids to pay attention to me when they paid attention to everyone really bothered me.

I mean, maybe it was because it was right after everyone had sung, but still, I really hate how I just faded into the background. I don't want to fade into the background. I practised too long to just fade.

Well, then my father picked me up, and I started to explain to him that I thought it went okay, but it seemed as though everyone else didn't. Then he asked if I'd asked anyone to come, and I told him I hadn't really told anyone about it. He interpreted this as I didn't really want to perform. Which is completely wrong. I just told people who might actually come. Annd, there's only one person (Ryan) who might come, and that really depends on if his friend's stepdad (who Ryan lives with) stops being annoying and actually lets us be together on weekends. >>

Ryan's friend's stepdad has been so terrible to him lately that he's thinking of moving out... to Toronto. Which would mean I'd get to see him once a week. This would basically be terrible, as I would miss him constantly and wouldn't get any work down as a result of it. D: But, I definately don't want him to live where he is now. I suggested, several times, for him to come live with me. Buut, I dunno if that will work.

I really just need to talk to him right now.

So, yes, I am officially fed up with Drama partners. The person I'm working with (Cale) -- who, might I add, has barely memorized his lines and has done absolutely nothing for the set or anything -- decided to skip today, after being away twice before while we were working on it. (According to Marlena, he was probably with his girlfriend getting high. -__-) And so I had to get another guy in my class, Geoff, to fill in for Cale in the event he didn't show up for the actual presentation... which is likely. >>

And this is after having one person in our Fairy Tale group get up and leave for another group, then have another being "sick" for like a month, then not showing up for the presentation because he had a field trip he told no one about.

Gahh, why are people so irresponsible? DDD: GROW UP.

Annd we had a quiz in Sociology today, which I'm pretty sure I completely failed. Which was lovely.

Annd, there's a bunch of other stuff, but yeah. I'll get over it. D:

Soo, I'm really bored. DD:
And I have way too much work to do, and I'm too lazy to do it. And Ryan's in Toronto, soo there is much missing happening at the current moment. 3:

On a happier note, apparently my grandmother, aunt, and three cousins are staying for Christmas. AND! I was speaking with my mother on the way home and she said Ryan could stay for Christmas for as long as he would like. Whichh is very good. :D

Hum, what else?

I still haven't a clue what to get anyone for Christmas... (Anje, this is a hint xDD) Except for Rhiannon, annd kinda Ryan. I've run out of ideas. D: Cough.

Loves.

Soo, had a family reunion thing today for my grandmother's birthday. Definately drove five hours to have literally two people from my own family recognize me. All I did was dye my freaking hairrr. DDD:
First words out of my cousin's mouth: "Are you Phoebe?!"
Oh yes, annd when asking my parents about me, my grandmother only referred to me as "your daughter". Like she was detaching herself from me or something. D:
Soo yeah, it was lovely. D: Thenn there was the awkward adult catching-up conversation amongst my aunts and uncles which I am simply terrible at. -__-
Annd then I talked with my older cousin, Meghan, and her boyfriend for the rest of the night. Basically the only part I liked at all. We went back to her boyfriend's house and watched Euro Trip. It was kind of terrible. D:
Blahh, so yes. I feel rather awkward annd like I don't fit in. Annd I felt insanely guilty for just kind of leaving to go watch the movie.
This whole lacking any sort of conversation skills thing does not work out at all.

Annd I'm procrastinating English againnn. D:

Ohh well. xD

I'm going to visit the relatives up North this weekend. :3 Shall be an interesting time. xD I get to see my cousin again, which is good. However, she's bringing along her boyfriend, soo I'm not quite sure how much time we'll get to talk, but yes. D:

Apparently my aunt, uncle and twin cousins are coming along from Toronto, as well. :3 I like talking to my uncle annd my cousins are adorable, so this is very good that they're coming.

I also have like, four billion things to do for school this weekend, which will probably all be done in the car. D: The main two things being the essay (which doesn't have to be done until Friday now :'D) annd a presentation on social trends of the 1950s in which no one really knows what they're doing. >> Soo yes, my time will be spent revising an essay and doing a random powerpoint presentation. Greaat. (Kay good, I actually have PowerPoint on this computer. xDD)

Well, I suppose I'd better finish this paragraph. Mehh...

Well, so it's been a long while. o.o
School seems to be going half decently, though. :'D Which is good, considering I have to apply to university soon -__-
Last night I went on a rampage trying to figure out what to do. Annd after like, an hour I finally decided to major in English and minor in Theatre Studies. We'll see how long I keep this decision. xD
-is procrastinating writing an essay- Blahh, I wish I were focused. xD I used to be... dunno what happened there. D: xD

H'okay, there's no more interesting television. I suppose I'd better go work.

So, apparently a major film's being shot in my city. Annd all of these big actors are staying here.

Well, last week Veena saw Mark Ruffalo in Sears (where she works) buying cookware and $90 pillows.

III was pretty entertained, I must say. xD

Wowww, haven't posted in a while, have I? D:

So yeah, thought I'd do that now. =D

Hm, summer hasn't been that interesting, actually. D: Though it's been a nice break from school. :3

I've taken to biking everyday, which should, you know, keep me in some sort of shape. D: Annnd apparently Ryan's going to teach me Parkour. I'm probably either going to be completely terrible at it, or do really well. I just hope I don't get scared and not end up not wanting to do anything. D: (Though I did do gymnastics for eight years, that's got to help my fear somehow, right?)

-Sigh-

Hm, I'm going downtown with the others tomorrow. I'm excited. :3 It'll be a way to get my mind off not being able to see my boyfriend semi-frequently. >> Anyways... downtown is always entertaining. XD Annnd there're pretty shops, and lucky for me, I always feel like shopping. XD

Ahem.

Annnd that's all I can think of for now. :3

Why do I keep feeling the need to eat even when I'm not hungry? DDD:

This paying attention to what I eat thing is really hardddd. (Not that I was expecting it to be easy >>)

I can no longer satisfy my random cravings. Pshwa.

I really never thought I could feel this strongly about anyone. I love him sooo much. <3

Soo, it's official. After eight years...

I quit gymnastics. DDD:

I'm on the verge of tears. But it's for the best. I was dying and it would have been really bad next year.

No idea what to do with myself, now. Anddd I can't eat whatever I want anymore. D: Crap. Oh well, guess I'll have to learn some sort of self discipline.

Anddd, Lora's officially mad at me for not telling her about Ryan.

It's not that I didn't want to tell her, it's just that I'm so scared of her reaction and that she would just stop being friends with me. Which is what happened, so I don't see how it made a difference. DDDD:

So now I know if I start talking to her she'll just away. But Crystal's willing to help me talk with her. Andd we've come up with something to say, I just need to build up the courage to actually say something.

I wish I wasn't so shy. It's never helped me, ever.

RYAN ASKED ME TO THE MOVIES~!

:DDDDDDDDDDD


Ahem. XD